Erik Lewin on This Is How I Spell Grief: A Guide to Healing from Loss & Finding Fulfillment

 

Erik Lewin shares how he turned the profound loss of his mother and father into life-changing growth, with intimacy, warmth and humor. He offers a no-nonsense, commonsense way to create your personal path to acceptance of your loss.

Lewin became an expert in his grief experience twice over, encouraging readers to find their own way, as no two lives or losses are the same. He eschews expert opinions and general analyses of grieving in favor of common sense, letting you know you are not alone in how you’re feeling. He shares how he turned his loss into an impetus to personal change. A former criminal defense lawyer, Lewin is now a full time writer and standup comedian.

This Is How I Spell Grief  takes a counter-intuitive approach to self-help; there are no eight simple exercises to get over it. Instead, you gradually learn to address grief on your own terms, to make true and lasting peace with your loss.

Erik Lewin is the author of three books – This is How I Spell Grief, Animal Endurance, and Son of Influence – as well as numerous essays published in Ponder Review, GNU Journal, David Magazine, Real Vegas Magazine &Literate Ape. Erik is also a stand-up comedian who performs in clubs and venues around the country. He formerly practiced law as a criminal defense attorney in New York City and Los Angeles. He is at work on a new one-man show loosely based on This is How I Spell Grief.

Erik lives in Las Vegas with his wife and their furry pets.

If you want more about Erik Lewin, don’t forget to check out his website! You can also visit him on Facebook and Goodreads.  

What was the inspiration behind This is How I Spell Grief? What sparked the initial idea?

I was unnerved at how I couldn’t find any books on grief to help me. I don’t believe in phases and stages. I wanted to write a realistic work that got down in the dirt, so to speak, in describing the experience in a relatable way. I feel this intimate approach has the power to help people.

Can you give us a short excerpt?

A simple investigation of one’s feelings reveal that the tides of emotion do not stop at our command. For example, years later, I am upset with myself for the following conundrum: it hurts when I remember my parents, and it hurts when I don’t. I feel guilty and conflicted because when I do remember, there comes the pain of missing them; so sometimes I run away from my mother and father’s memory like a frightened child, only to hate myself for leaving them behind.

Sometimes I feel tempted to look through mom’s clothes, to feel closer, though I don’t think I should wear them! Imagine I came out to dinner in mom’s black mink coat and jewelry? I just don’t think that’s really me! But the pull, the attraction to wearing her things is an understandable one. There’s such a strong desire to feel as close as possible. The question remains open for each of us—how to go about this—and the ways we try may change over time. 

Your book sounds so terrific...do you think people ever really get over their grief?

 I don’t think we get over it; I feel we can learn to integrate it into our whole self or being, in a healthy way, over time. There are also lessons of great value to learn from this kind of openness to our feelings.

There's something infuriating and I think you will agree with me - when someone you love dies, others don't like bringing it up thinking that it will cause you pain to talk about it but the opposite is true, isn't it? How would we go about getting them to know it's okay to talk about it?

By telling them. I said to my cousin on a phone call, who had repeatedly failed to reach out to me on dates of significance – please reach out and help honor my mom’s memory with me. It would mean a lot to me, and I know she would love that too.

I've always thought that time would heal all wounds and that it would get easier as more time passed but then I would feel guilty...it's like I'm trying to erase their memory if I don't still grieve. What's your thoughts on that?

Right? It’s a tricky one, and an issue I discuss in the book. In fact, I continue to struggle with that tender balance of keeping them close to my heart, but not always so close that it is debilitating or even emotionally burdensome on a daily basis. For example, it took me a long time to freely look at their photos without feeling great pain. It’s an ongoing balancing act.

On another subject, you are also a stand up comedian. Can you tell us a little about that? 

Sure! I actually started performing stand-up comedy after losing my mom. I found it therapeutic and joyful (mostly), and a very healthy way to explore and get in touch with how I felt. It has allowed me to embrace humility and find humor in even the harshest parts of the human experience.

Any future projects coming up?

Yes – I’m actually going to perform a one-man show loosely based on This Is How I Spell Grief, with plenty of humor! This will be in Las Vegas in January.

If you want to find out more about This Is How I Spell Grief, check it out at Amazon!